healing balm

This week Nathan had his 4 month check up.  He's now 18 1/2 lbs and growing.  I love to see him doing more everyday... the smiles and giggles, the rolling over and learning to reach for his sisters and brother.  He is truly a blessing to our family, as are all the kids.  But, God has used this baby boy is a unique way over the past year.

Exactly one year ago last week, we found out that we were expecting again.  Obviously, we didn't know it would be Nathan at the time.  But we did know that whatever baby God was giving us was a special gift from Him.  A gift to be used for His glory, but also a gift to be used for healing in our family.  Because exactly one year ago tomorrow was also our due date for our little one, Jordan... who was only with us for a little more than 3 months and is now with Jesus.  Last year was such a mix of emotions.  Feeling sad and grieving the baby that we were "supposed" to be having, but also feeling joyful and full of hope anticipating the new life that had been created.  In the mix of all those emotions, I don't think I felt the full sadness that I expected to feel on Jordan's due date.  However, this year, unexpectedly, I have felt it fully.... and then some.

I can't really put my finger on why, but I think there are probably a few reasons.  One being the upcoming move.  This is where we "had" Jordan.  Leaving here does feel like we are "leaving" behind part of our family.  Of course I know that he is not here, but the memory of the months that we had him are here.  He is buried in Wheaton, near where Ken's grandparents are buried and somehow that makes me feel better.  But it's still hard to leave.  

I think another reason I feel his loss more this year is that we do have Nathan now.  I am holding a baby, and as I look at him it really seems far more tangible, all the things that I "missed" with Jordan.  I love to see Nathan's smiles and see him growing, see his personality forming and seeing what color his hair is turning.  We never got to see all that with Jordan, and my heart misses that is a way I really didn't expect.

The past weeks I have allowed myself to think about the baby we lost.  I don't usually do that because, honestly, it's too hard.  The world really has distorted the truth of when life begins, to the point that we are led to believe that it is wrong to grieve the loss of a baby we never held.  I think, in a way, I have willed myself not to grieve this loss as fully as I might have because it truly feels as though no one could understand it anyway.  I have only talked to a few close friends about it...until now.  (So, I guess now you can all consider yourself to be close friends. :) But, as I have offered all these thoughts and feelings to the Lord, I have come to see the way this has been used in my life and that it is really okay to really hurt for this child, who was mine just as much as the other 5 are.  

   "Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart.  The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure."  Ecclesiastes 7:3-4  

It is through pain, through sorrow, through mourning that God does the greatest works in our lives.  And, hurt though it may, if we stand and do not run from it, He will use it in remarkable ways.  I have seen this to be true now.  And though unpleasant in some ways, I have felt the comfort and nearness of the Lord in ways I never have before.

So, this week,  I am sad for the baby that we lost.  I want to be celebrating a first birthday instead of putting flowers on a grave stone this weekend.  I am thankful for the short time we had with him, for getting see him on the ultrasound screen.  I am thankful for the little heartbeat and little movements I saw and sad remembering the day when they were no longer there.  I know that I will always feel like someone is missing in our family. I know that my words will stick in my throat every time I say that I have 5 children, wanting to tell complete strangers that we really have six.  I also know that had Jordan been born, we would never have had Nathan.  I know this was all part of God's plan and so glad that it wasn't my choice because it is one I never could have made.  I know Jordan is with the Lord and I can't wait until the day I really do get to hold him.

Nathan will never take Jordan's place.  I know he wasn't meant to.  But God has used him as a healing balm.  He has reminded us of His goodness. That it is He who gives and takes away.  So, this week instead of a one year birthday, we'll celebrate a 4 month birthday.  And we'll be really happy and really sad.