open to life

Where do I begin?

Normally I have an idea of what I'm going to write before I even begin typing.  Not so tonight.  I have so much to process and think through still, so rather than waiting for that to be done, I think I'll just write.

Last week we found out that we were expecting again. We had suspected as much for a few days, and soon there were 2 pink lines to confirm what we already knew.  We told our family and a few close friends, but mostly kept the news to ourselves for a little while.  I would have loved to have been able to announce the happy news here with an ultrasound picture or news of a strong heartbeat, but that wasn't to be.  Monday night we realized that we wouldn't be holding this baby this side of Heaven.

Somehow, I think I expected another miscarriage, so we weren't completely surprised, but still sad.  It's always too early to say goodbye to a baby and I'll never get used to that.  Things progressed on Monday and Tuesday to the point that we wound up in the ER last night.  After 3 bags of fluid and a few doses of potassium, I was feeling better and we headed home a few hours later.  We told the kids what had happened, and they took it as well as we knew they would.  They have such a better handle on eternal perspective  than I do.  They were a little bummed that we wouldn't get to hold this baby, but excited to have another brother or sister in Heaven.  

I am still feeling tired, but physically okay.  I am a peace with what God has called us to.  Although I would never choose this, I know that His ways are higher than mine.  He has called us to be the parents of 5 beautiful children here.  And He has also called us to give 2 back to him before we would have chosen.  

Early in our marriage, we felt convicted to be open to life in our family.  If God wants to be so gracious to us as to entrust us with another child, then we will joyfully and willing accept that gift.  What I have come to realize over time is that that choice is a willful act of submission on our parts.  It means that we will be open not only to the healthy, happy children that God blesses us with, but we must also trust Him when the way is hard.  

 This pregnancy ending when it did is as much a part of God's plan in our lives as the children who are sleeping upstairs are.  And we can rejoice in that.  God is faithful and He can be trusted.  Would I choose this?  No.  But my Father loves me and my children.  And He can be trusted. 

The verse on my daily calendar for Sunday, that is still on Sunday, reads:

"One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to inquire in His temple.  For in the time of trouble He shall hide me in His pavilion: in the secret of His tabernacle shall He hide me; He shall set me up upon a rock."    Psalm 27:4-5

I know this is true, and there is a comfort in that that is beyond understanding.