fear

Early last year, as I was about to give birth for the 5th time, I was gripped with a feeling that I hadn't really experienced with my other babies. I chalked it up to butterflies, perhaps a little anxiety over what I knew was coming.  Of course I knew it would be overwhelming, adding a new baby to our already busy household.  It would be normal to feel a bit of trepidation.  But what I realized was that I was dealing with a very real sense of fear.

I don't really care for that word.  It seems stronger than necessary.  After all, I wasn't paralyzed by it.  It was only a feeling, a bit like a knot in my stomach.  But fear it was.  

The reality was, as I was preparing for the days ahead, that I knew what was coming.  I knew what to expect.  I'd done this several times before, and unlike before, this time I had not forgotten.  Having a baby hurts.  Alot.  I knew, by this point, that I was carrying a 8 or 9 lb little guy and that no matter what happened, getting him out of there was going to hurt.

Beyond that, I knew that I was about the enter the stage of sleepless nights and mind numbing tiredness coupled with round the clock feedings and, of course, the pain of recovery.  I had done all of this before, but oftentimes ignorance is bliss.  I had done this enough to know that, blessing though it was, I was going to have to walk through the hard part as I experienced the joy.

Obviously, I survived.  God carried me through the fear and I did, and still do, get to experience the joy that a baby brings.   I'm sure if we are ever blessed with another little one, I will fight the same battle.  But God has proven himself faithful.  Over and over again.  I know that I know that He can be trusted.

Over the past few weeks, we have begun to prepare for our next move.  Ken will finish classes in about 4 months and we're off to our next duty station.  We're looking at houses, checking out churches and schools, making a plan.

And, somewhat unexpectedly, I find myself again wrestling with a feeling of fear.   I know, it doesn't sound rational.  I am married to a military man and moving is what we do.  We've done this lots and lots of times.  And therein lies the problem.  

As we prepare for yet another move, I know what to expect.  I've been through the pack out and the drive, the house hunting and the finding my way around.  The meeting new friends, answering the same questions, again finding a place to fit in.  Some parts of it are very exciting and some parts, not so much.

Granted, I am beyond blessed that we are not looking down the barrel of a deployment right now.  I know how good we have it.  But still.  I don't want to move again.  Start over again.  Pull the kids away from friends and step out of our comfort zones.  I don't want to try to find a new place to call home that isn't really home, find a new church, build trust with people I have yet to even meet.  Deal with the anxieties that my children feel, get everyone used to a new bedroom, find a new dentist and hair salon and dry cleaner and the list goes on.  I don't want my husband to go on trips while I'm left in what feels like the middle of nowhere to hold down the proverbial fort.

Fear, I tell you.  That's exactly what it is.

However, just as with having our sweet little boy, this, too, is inevitable.  As long as God wills it, this is what we will do.  I can choose to kick and scream and dig my heels in, giving into the pity party that I sometimes choose to throw for myself.  Or I can look to the God who has called us to this and trust that He has gone before us.

He has blessed us.  I know I say it so much, but I will never be able to adequately express the truth of that fact.  He has only called us to where He has provided, and every time, He has proven Himself so much bigger than any fear.  What He is calling us to right now isn't really even hard, much less suffering.  It is only uncomfortable and it goes very much against my selfish nature and desire for ease.  

So, I will not choose to give into fear.  I will choose to believe that we are only going where we have been sent by our Father.  He has already gone before us and His love casts out all fear.  I will try to choose joy and trust in His provision.  I will lean not on my own understanding and trust Him to direct my path. He has called me by name, I am His and I have nothing to fear.

I know by the very fact that I am human that fear will be an ever present battle in my life.  Sometimes in big ways and other times in small.  But for today, I will claim truth.  And rest in the knowledge of Him.  

Speaking of resting, it is now after 3am and tomorrow promises to be another long day.   I have written and processed and been reminded of truth.  And now I shall go to bed.

Good night.