why I love this guy...

packin heat

Over the holidays, we went to Alabama to spend a week with my family. Christmas was great, of course. We hadn't been home as a family in nearly 2 years so it was a treat for all of us. The kids just love spending time with my parents and all of the extended family. Their favorite part, I think, is getting to experience living in "the country". Right now, unfortunately, we live in the middle of suburbia. There are alot of fun and valuable things about rural life that the kids miss. But for a week over Christmas, they got to experience country living, the way I grew up... and they loved it. They played outside almost non-stop (because in AL you can play outside in December..... July, not so much). They put pennies on the railroad tracks, they checked out cotton and cows and tractors. They got to feed chickens and pet a donkey and see sheep. They drove a golf cart all over the fields (Hannah even learned to drive) and even ended a few of the evenings by a bonfire. However, one of their favorite new experiences was shooting their first rifle.

On Christmas Eve, we took the kids our in the back yard and the older girls got to shoot for the first time.

Because really, nothing says "Christmas" like shooting something.

It was a family affair. Four generations, gathered on this sacred day. To shoot stuff.

I was impressed with hubby's skills. I think he's a southerner at heart.

We didn't shoot anyone.  Just targets.  But the kids thought it was so cool.

I even got to teach the girls to shoot on the very first rifle I ever shot.  I was about their age and I have great memories of shooting with my dad and granddad.

It was very special mother/daughter bonding.

 

But now that I knocked the rust off my skills.... don't mess with me...

...cause Mama's packin heat.

a marathon

Well, our first week of Jake's new therapies went way better than I could have imagined.  He loves his new preschool.  When I picked him up, both days he met me with a smile.  He isn't able to really tell me exactly what he did there, but I could tell by his face that he had fun.  He did tell me that he "loves" preschool and thanked me several times for taking him there.

His new speech/language therapy went just as well.  He really enjoys his teacher and is in a therapy group with only one other little boy. All of his teachers (speech and preschool) are young and fun and so eager to work with him.  I can't say enough what a blessing all of this is.

Next week (hopefully) all of the paperwork will be to place so he can start his ABA therapy.  Thankfully, as I mentioned earlier, his therapist is also his preschool teacher, so I'm hopeful that the transition will be easier for him.

After such a banner week with Jake, sometimes I can forget just how far we have to go with him.  At home or in an environment (like this preschool) that is catering to his needs, he can really seem like such a typical child. (I'm learning that "typical" is the PC way to say "normal" in the ASD community....it does sound better, doesn't it?)  

Anyway, as was the case this week, I can tend for forget(?) or just be lulled into thinking that things are better than they are, maybe?  Then, we go on an outing.... to get a haircut or take a sibling to the doctor or to the grocery store.  Wham.  It's like a punch to the stomach, as I realize we have much further to go in this journey than I wanted to believe.

I'm learning how to deal with his behaviors in public.  Honestly, I have no idea how to do that.  And what's more, is I'm trying to figure out how to deal with my other kids who are (justifiably) embarrassed by how their brother is behaving.  I would love to tell them not to be embarrassed or tell them not to worry about what others think.  But, quite frankly, I'm having trouble telling myself that sometimes.  How bad is that? 

In the day to day right now, we're beginning a gluten-free, casein-free diet. I can't tell you how overwhelming that feels.  I look at recipes and I've never even  heard of half of the ingredients.... much less used them.  Xanthum gum, anyone?  Making all of our own bread and eliminating everything with wheat or milk ingredients: pretzels, yogurt, cheese, milk, cereal, goldfish, crackers, sandwiches, pizza, tacos.... basically everything he likes?  Needless to say, it's a huge change for the whole family.

I know I can learn to cook this way, but boy, the learning curve is steeeeep. Thankfully, I have some great friends who are ahead of me on this journey... encouraging me and sending me recipes every step of the way. Even in the limiting dabbling that we've done in this diet so far, we seem to be seeing some positive changes.  So, I'm in.  If there is a chance that a diet change could help this little guy, we'll eat cardboard if we need to.  (And from the taste of some of this stuff....that just may be one of the ingredients.)

So, it's one step forward, two steps back.  But some weeks, it's two steps forward and only one back.  I'm seeing that this is definitely a marathon and not a sprint.  And I'm thankful for all the encouraging emails and comments from so many people that are helping us along the way....you're like the guys handing out Gatorade at the 2 mile mark.  There is still a long way to go, but God is still providing and I know He always will.

provision

An hour ago I left Jacob at preschool for the first time ever.  He was a little hesitant, but handled it beautifully.  I think I'm more upset by the whole evolution than he is.  I know this is good for him, but still. He's my baby boy.... by my side every morning for the last 4 1/2 years, so this is a big change for both of us.

This preschool is just one of the many ways God has provided for us lately.  After Jacob's diagnosis, it was recommend  to us that he would benefit from preschool.  Along with the therapies that he is/will be receiving, being around kids his age in a social environment will help him learn the social skills/behaviors that he needs.  While I agree with that, actually finding a preschool presented itself as a whole different challenge.

While he needs to by around "typical" children, he is not "typical", therefore requires a bit of extra time, attention and re-directing.  Understandably, this is more than the average preschool teacher is able to do, while managing an entire class of 4 years olds.    We looked at a couple of different preschools but all the ones we considered were either unwilling to take on the added responsibility of an ASD kid, or willing to take him on as long as he wasn't too different.... didn't require too much time and attention.

** Let me insert here that I don't at all blame these preschools for this.  They are not equipped for special needs kids and asking them to take this on would be unfair to them and to Jacob.

Well, God provided.  As He always has.  Through a variety of providential meetings and conversations, we came upon a preschool that is run by 2 ABA therapists out of their home.  It is a class of 5 children with 2 full time teachers, both of whom are trained in working with kids with autism.  The preschool is specifically set up to teach typical children and kids with ASD together, purposefully engaging them with one another so that the ASD kids can learn from the typical children.  Really.  How perfect is that? I'd never even heard of such a thing.

It gets better.  Our insurance approved Jacob to receive all his ABA therapy from his preschool teacher!  So, 2 days a week he will be at "preschool"....learning from other children and being taught by 2 ABA certified teachers.  And 3 days a week, a friendly, familiar face will be is therapist.

All of this is taking place less than 10 minutes from our house, with hours that fit perfectly with the girls school times.  Can you tell that I am more than a little bit thankful for all of this?  

I so love this little boy and am so proud of him.  I can't believe he's old enough for preschool  And.....as I type this, I am watching my littlest boy play quietly next to me with Legos.  So, now I'm off to get some much needed one on one time with this little guy.  A morning with only one child at home?  What to do?  The possibilities are endless.  :)

Happy Birthday, Bear!

Today is my sweet Claire-bear's 6th birthday.  Is my "baby" girl already six?  Of course the time has passed by quickly, but in a way she seems so much older.  She is an old-soul, you might say.  Very wise for her young years.  She's our "little bit", our petite one, so it is always a surprise to hear such mature talk from such a small fry.  And she is cute, beautiful is more like it,  inside and out.  Always smiling and loving her pig-tails.... or "elephant ears".... she's called them that since she was two.  A happy and loving girl, sensitive and her heart always on her sleeve.  Theatrical and passionate, sometimes dramatic but surprisingly calm and level headed for one with such flair.  Quick to dance to any beat and will belt out a tune for any audience willing to look her way.  A heart that loves Jesus and cares for everything, living or not.  Especially those things that are tiny.  Defender of the cat, catcher of bugs, picker of flowers and giver of leaves to Mama.  She laughs at her own jokes and cries at movies.  A brilliant artist with talent beyond her years and an eye for detail.  In drawings and in life.  An honest heart, a friend to everyone, a giver of all that she has and my double hugger at bedtime.

You are beautifully made, Claire Rebecca, and I love seeing God use you in His very special way.  You are a gift to me, and I'm so glad I get to be your Mama.

A lesson in futility...

Christmas was wonderful and we are home now, after a long visit in Alabama made even longer by the snow.  

Now it is Sunday morning and I am already home from church.  Ken and the girls are still there, but the boys had reached their limit, so home we came.  Today, since it is raining, we got smart and took both cars to church.  That way, when the boys could no longer be still and outside wasn't an option, I could just quietly (at least, at quietly as is possible with 2 wiggly little boys) excuse myself from the service and escape to the tranquility of our house.

Today we made it through nearly 20 minutes of the service.  That may be a record.

We are at a place right now where Nathan refuses to go to the nursery (read: screams like he is on fire) and if I attempt to leave him there, I am paged within 5 minutes.  Jacob has alot of anxiety about church and the crowds of people he doesn't know, so Children's Church isn't an option for him.  Though he will sit quietly in church if I am with him, once I have to leave to take Nate out, that's over.  On nice weather days, we play outside until the service is finished. 

Every Sunday morning, we do this.  After the hours that is takes to dress all seven of us and tromp to the car and parade into the church, leaving after 20 minutes (or less) seems like a lesson in futility.  I feel like Paul, "beating the air."  

I keep reminding myself that this is just a season.  Granted, a season that we've been in for 9 1/2 years now, but a season none the less.  Lord willing, we will one day get to listen to a sermon and enjoy a worship service.  But that time is not now.

So why do we continue to do this?  Because.  Because God is faithful and has asked us to be.  Because we are teaching our children what our family is all about, the importance of corporate worship, the need to be apart of the body.  Because one day we will be able to sit through more than 20 minutes.  Because one day they will listen and learn and understand and be sustained.  Because 20 minutes of nourishment from the word is better that none..... because one day in His courts is better than 1000 elsewhere.

Today, in one of the hymns we got to sing while before we left, we sang Isaiah 66:12, the words of the Lord to Jerusalem, "For this is what the LORD says: "I will extend peace to her like a river..."

In His words to His people, He is speaking to me.  Extending to me peace, nourishing even when I don't expect it.  He has been faithful to me, even in this season.  What else could I expect but that He will continue to be?  He has promised this to me and to my children.  At a time in my life when teaching and worship with the body seems rare, He still knows what I need. And what a joy to see Him provide.

  "He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young."  Isaiah 40:11

Christmas time

Off to enjoy Christmas with my family....

May God bless you all richly this Christmas as you come to know Him more.

Merry Christmas, y'all. 

fall is for football

It's been a heavy week. Besides all that's going on with Jake, we've had sick kids for 8 straight days now. The bad kind of sick kids. And I'm really ready for it to end. So I won't post pictures of this week, because trust me, you really don't want to see all that. However, the last few weeks have been fun. The fall here is amazingly beautiful and we've enjoyed it to the fullest, as it only just turned cold here this past week or so.

We've been loving a little front yard football.

Not so much traditional football with rules.  More the get-the-ball-any-way-you-can-and-run version.

Claire, who is normally  more princess-like, surprised us with her football skills.  She may be little, but she's not afraid to take you out.

Daddy led the charge and was wonderful at letting the kids tackle him, over and over and over.  I've mentioned that he is awesome, right?

Of course, the girls were sporting our team colors.  We're Colts fans (we especially like Peyton), even if they have no running game this year.  We still represent.

One of the many pile-ups.... the littlest guy was sleeping during this particular game, but he holds his own on the field.  

Fall is definitely for football.

a bump in the road

Where to begin?  As is usually the case, when I am absent from blogging for a time it is usually because things are going on in our house.  This week there was the usual busyness.... and then there was the exceptionally hard.

I've struggled with how much to share here with issues concerning my children.  I want to respect them and their privacy and I hope I always do that.  But this is also the place where I process and share with a few close friends the daily ins and outs of what is our life.  I find encouragement here and hopefully can at times be the encourager as we see together that none of us are alone in our struggles.

As I've alluded to before, we have had concerns for a while that Jacob was dealing with some developmental delays.  First with speech, then over time we've noticed other things that have caused us to be concerned.  Initially, my pediatrician dismissed our concerns, but over time and different paths (and a different doctor) we were finally able to see a neuro-developmental pediatrician and address some of the issues.

This Tuesday we went in for his official evaluation with a multidisciplinary team of doctors.  The appointment took all of 5 hours, full of questions and observation and them trying to engage Jacob.  After the evaluation, the doctors met and came back to us an hour later with a diagnosis and a plan.

The diagnosis they gave him is Autism Spectrum Disorder, specifically PDD-NOS.  He was clearly on the autism spectrum in several areas they evaluated.  During the evaluation it was obvious and painful to watch him struggle with what they were asking of him.  We left with a plan for years of language therapy, occupational therapy, ABA (behavioral) therapy, a ton of reading material and even more questions.

First, I will say that I am thankful many things in this situation.  God has provided for us in so many ways.  We've already connected with resources here and with people who have children with ASD.  We see that God is already meeting our every need.  Through Ken's job, most of Jacob's therapy will be covered by insurance which is an enormous blessing because that isn't usually the case.  God has gone before us and provided for us, as He always has.

That being said, the whole thing just pretty much stinks.  As much as we knew that something was wrong, we really just wanted to believe that this was just a bump in the road, that he was just a little behind and he would catch up.  The older he gets, the more obvious it gets that that is not the case.  As I watch him now, now that we know, I can see it all so clearly.  Alot of his symptoms have gotten worse rather than better, and I really can't even describe what it feels like to see that.

As we are reading and learning, I am fighting discouragement.  We are dealing with, as the doctor put it, a "lifelong diagnosis."  There is treatment, but no cure.  I am afraid of what the future holds for him.  I am also afraid for Nathan because, due to the genetic factor, his odds of having a similar diagnosis are now 10 times higher.  I really want to pound my fists and scream that this is NOT what I want for my children.  

But.  This is where we are.  I am holding on to the fact that God created Jacob.  He made him exactly the way he is for His purpose.  He intends this for good in Jacob's life and He will never leave him for forsake Him.  He will also walk with us through this... as we pray and decide and seek and ask... He is with us.

I have so, so many questions but am resting in the knowledge that I don't have to have all the answers, because I am trusting in the One who does.  As I have watched Jacob the past couple of days, it has been harder than ever because I "see" the disorder.  Everything he does, I see as an autistic behavior.  It is and it was before, but I didn't realize it before and now I do.  I'm really praying right now for God to just allow me to see Jacob again as He sees him... not for what he can or can't do, but for the beautiful creation that he is.

He is so much for than any one phrase can describe.  He is fun and loving and affectionate.  He makes us laugh, tells jokes and loves to read.  He is gentle and kind, a wonderful son and a great brother.  I am so thankful for this little guy.  Exactly the way he is.  As hard as this is, I wouldn't change him for the world.  I love his heart.  What I would change is the struggle that he is facing.  No mother wants to see their child hurt.  I don't want him to be sad or discouraged or scared.  The thought of someone making fun of him makes me furious.

But.  I know that God is with him through this.  He is his protector and provider and He will make a way for him.  We are praying for healing for Jacob.  As we are doing this and pursuing treatment for him, it will effect our whole family.  So, we are praying for our other kids as well, who need us just as much as Jake does.  

I am overwhelmed.  The time and resources this journey will take.... spiritually, emotionally, mentally, financially... only God can provide these things.  But He is God and I am not, so we trust.  He is the same God as He was last week.  And He will be the same next week.  We are trusting Him to carry us all and we are giving thanks for all the good things He has given us, even in the midst of this.  It sounds trite to say that it could be so much worse, but really it could.  He has given us so much... and in the big picture, this really is just a bump in the road.

Today on my friend Jen's blog, I read this timely excerpt from "Streams in the Desert".  Just one more way that we are being encouraged:

"Perfect through suffering." (Hebrews 2:10)

Steel is iron plus fire. Soil is rock, plus heat, or glacier crushing. Linen is flax plus the bath that cleans, the comb that separates, and the flail that pounds, and the shuttle that weaves. Human character must have a plus attached to it. The world does not forget great characters. But great characters are not made of luxuries, they are made by suffering. 

I heard a mother who brought into her home as a companion to her own son, a crippled boy who was also a hunchback. She had warned her boy to be very careful in his relations to him, and not to touch the sensitive part of his life but go right on playing with him as if he were an ordinary boy. She listened to her son as they were playing; and after a few minutes he said to his companion: "Do you know what you have got on your back?" The little hunchback was embarrassed , and he hesitated a moment. The boy said: "It is the box in which your wings are; and some day God is going to cut it open, and then you will fly away and be an angel." 

Some day, God is going to reveal the fact to every Christian, that the very principles they now rebel against, have been the instruments which He used in perfecting their characters and moulding them into perfection, polished stones for His great building yonder.- Cortland Myers. 

O Christmas Tree

The Decorating Edition