resting

This week we've been resting. It's been a good week. Ken has been home and has been wonderful, as usual. He had orginally planned a house hunting trip for this week, but decided to stay home. I think we all needed a week of recovery. On top of everything else over the past week, we've had 1 child get 2 teeth knocked out with a snow shovel, 1 child get 1 tooth almost knocked out and a fat lip, 1 night of a child with fever, 1 episode of puke in the car, 1 baby teething with a suspected ear infection and lots and lots of rain.

So, after all of that, this week... we rest.



I've napped more than I have in ages and slept in more that I probably ever will again. I'm so thankful to have such a loving and giving husband who is more than willing to take on the hard stuff at home and give me some much needed rest. I even just found out that he's lined up a sitter for tonight so we can go out and have some time alone. To say he is a gift to me is such an understatement.

I also so appreciate all of your kind words and prayers. God is answering those and allowing us to rest in Him in every way right now.

So that's what we're doing this week. Resting. Snuggling and playing and not much else. And I think it's exactly what we needed.

open to life

Where do I begin?

Normally I have an idea of what I'm going to write before I even begin typing.  Not so tonight.  I have so much to process and think through still, so rather than waiting for that to be done, I think I'll just write.

Last week we found out that we were expecting again. We had suspected as much for a few days, and soon there were 2 pink lines to confirm what we already knew.  We told our family and a few close friends, but mostly kept the news to ourselves for a little while.  I would have loved to have been able to announce the happy news here with an ultrasound picture or news of a strong heartbeat, but that wasn't to be.  Monday night we realized that we wouldn't be holding this baby this side of Heaven.

Somehow, I think I expected another miscarriage, so we weren't completely surprised, but still sad.  It's always too early to say goodbye to a baby and I'll never get used to that.  Things progressed on Monday and Tuesday to the point that we wound up in the ER last night.  After 3 bags of fluid and a few doses of potassium, I was feeling better and we headed home a few hours later.  We told the kids what had happened, and they took it as well as we knew they would.  They have such a better handle on eternal perspective  than I do.  They were a little bummed that we wouldn't get to hold this baby, but excited to have another brother or sister in Heaven.  

I am still feeling tired, but physically okay.  I am a peace with what God has called us to.  Although I would never choose this, I know that His ways are higher than mine.  He has called us to be the parents of 5 beautiful children here.  And He has also called us to give 2 back to him before we would have chosen.  

Early in our marriage, we felt convicted to be open to life in our family.  If God wants to be so gracious to us as to entrust us with another child, then we will joyfully and willing accept that gift.  What I have come to realize over time is that that choice is a willful act of submission on our parts.  It means that we will be open not only to the healthy, happy children that God blesses us with, but we must also trust Him when the way is hard.  

 This pregnancy ending when it did is as much a part of God's plan in our lives as the children who are sleeping upstairs are.  And we can rejoice in that.  God is faithful and He can be trusted.  Would I choose this?  No.  But my Father loves me and my children.  And He can be trusted. 

The verse on my daily calendar for Sunday, that is still on Sunday, reads:

"One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to inquire in His temple.  For in the time of trouble He shall hide me in His pavilion: in the secret of His tabernacle shall He hide me; He shall set me up upon a rock."    Psalm 27:4-5

I know this is true, and there is a comfort in that that is beyond understanding.

healing balm

This week Nathan had his 4 month check up.  He's now 18 1/2 lbs and growing.  I love to see him doing more everyday... the smiles and giggles, the rolling over and learning to reach for his sisters and brother.  He is truly a blessing to our family, as are all the kids.  But, God has used this baby boy is a unique way over the past year.

Exactly one year ago last week, we found out that we were expecting again.  Obviously, we didn't know it would be Nathan at the time.  But we did know that whatever baby God was giving us was a special gift from Him.  A gift to be used for His glory, but also a gift to be used for healing in our family.  Because exactly one year ago tomorrow was also our due date for our little one, Jordan... who was only with us for a little more than 3 months and is now with Jesus.  Last year was such a mix of emotions.  Feeling sad and grieving the baby that we were "supposed" to be having, but also feeling joyful and full of hope anticipating the new life that had been created.  In the mix of all those emotions, I don't think I felt the full sadness that I expected to feel on Jordan's due date.  However, this year, unexpectedly, I have felt it fully.... and then some.

I can't really put my finger on why, but I think there are probably a few reasons.  One being the upcoming move.  This is where we "had" Jordan.  Leaving here does feel like we are "leaving" behind part of our family.  Of course I know that he is not here, but the memory of the months that we had him are here.  He is buried in Wheaton, near where Ken's grandparents are buried and somehow that makes me feel better.  But it's still hard to leave.  

I think another reason I feel his loss more this year is that we do have Nathan now.  I am holding a baby, and as I look at him it really seems far more tangible, all the things that I "missed" with Jordan.  I love to see Nathan's smiles and see him growing, see his personality forming and seeing what color his hair is turning.  We never got to see all that with Jordan, and my heart misses that is a way I really didn't expect.

The past weeks I have allowed myself to think about the baby we lost.  I don't usually do that because, honestly, it's too hard.  The world really has distorted the truth of when life begins, to the point that we are led to believe that it is wrong to grieve the loss of a baby we never held.  I think, in a way, I have willed myself not to grieve this loss as fully as I might have because it truly feels as though no one could understand it anyway.  I have only talked to a few close friends about it...until now.  (So, I guess now you can all consider yourself to be close friends. :) But, as I have offered all these thoughts and feelings to the Lord, I have come to see the way this has been used in my life and that it is really okay to really hurt for this child, who was mine just as much as the other 5 are.  

   "Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart.  The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure."  Ecclesiastes 7:3-4  

It is through pain, through sorrow, through mourning that God does the greatest works in our lives.  And, hurt though it may, if we stand and do not run from it, He will use it in remarkable ways.  I have seen this to be true now.  And though unpleasant in some ways, I have felt the comfort and nearness of the Lord in ways I never have before.

So, this week,  I am sad for the baby that we lost.  I want to be celebrating a first birthday instead of putting flowers on a grave stone this weekend.  I am thankful for the short time we had with him, for getting see him on the ultrasound screen.  I am thankful for the little heartbeat and little movements I saw and sad remembering the day when they were no longer there.  I know that I will always feel like someone is missing in our family. I know that my words will stick in my throat every time I say that I have 5 children, wanting to tell complete strangers that we really have six.  I also know that had Jordan been born, we would never have had Nathan.  I know this was all part of God's plan and so glad that it wasn't my choice because it is one I never could have made.  I know Jordan is with the Lord and I can't wait until the day I really do get to hold him.

Nathan will never take Jordan's place.  I know he wasn't meant to.  But God has used him as a healing balm.  He has reminded us of His goodness. That it is He who gives and takes away.  So, this week instead of a one year birthday, we'll celebrate a 4 month birthday.  And we'll be really happy and really sad.

Walk for Life

This past weekend we participated in the local Walk for Life to raise money for the Life Centers of Indianapolis. These centers provide emotional, spiritual and practical support for women facing unplanned pregnancies. Through these centers many, many women have heard the gospel of Christ and found hope that has enabled them to choose life for their babies. I can't imagine the heartache these women must face while struggling with such a decision, but having this support there must help in amazing ways. Through many of our friends giving online, our family "Team McNeill" has raised $360 so far. Thanks so much for everyone who contributed financially and especially to those who keep these women in your prayers! Here's a few pictures of our "team" during the walk.

Our first blog...

Well, we are officially entering the world of blogging. After ready everyone else's blogs with much envy, I decided to take a giant leap into the 21st century and create our own. I have to admit that I have no idea what I'm doing, so I'm making no promises. And if I'm as disciplined with blogging as I am with scrapbooking...well, you get the picture.

For all of you whose blogs I've been enjoying but those of you I haven't seen in years, I'll give a brief update of what we've been up too lately. We are now living in Carmel, IN. Ken was transfered here with the Navy last year and so far we have loved it here. The weather is beautiful, the people are friendly and it's close to Ken's family, which is great. Ken gets to be home most every night and so the family time with this job has been great. Speaking of the family....here's the run down.

Hannah is now 6 and has just finished Kindergarten. She's still the "first child" in every way. She is smart, strong-willed and has an amazingly innate need for justice.

Grace is 5 and will start school in the fall. She is a typical "middle" child who loves to be different, is very giving and loving and is Hannah's #1 sidekick.

Claire, now 3, is a sweet, independent little girl who can usually be found playing with her animals and carrying around baskets of toys and other items she's collected.

Jacob, 2, the lone boy...so far. He is a very happy, very spunky little boy who is very chatty and has a love for all trucks, balls and Jay-Jay Jet Plane.

Last fall we had been expecting our 5th little one, but lost the baby at about 3 months. We named him Jordan and are looking forward to seeing him in Heaven one day.

Our newest news is that we are expecting again in February. We just saw the heartbeat today on ultrasound for the first time. Of course, we are thrilled and more thankful than ever for this blessing.

It's quite likely that I won't be blogging often, but I'm hoping to stay in touch and would love to hear from all our old friends in blogging world.