A lesson in futility...

Christmas was wonderful and we are home now, after a long visit in Alabama made even longer by the snow.  

Now it is Sunday morning and I am already home from church.  Ken and the girls are still there, but the boys had reached their limit, so home we came.  Today, since it is raining, we got smart and took both cars to church.  That way, when the boys could no longer be still and outside wasn't an option, I could just quietly (at least, at quietly as is possible with 2 wiggly little boys) excuse myself from the service and escape to the tranquility of our house.

Today we made it through nearly 20 minutes of the service.  That may be a record.

We are at a place right now where Nathan refuses to go to the nursery (read: screams like he is on fire) and if I attempt to leave him there, I am paged within 5 minutes.  Jacob has alot of anxiety about church and the crowds of people he doesn't know, so Children's Church isn't an option for him.  Though he will sit quietly in church if I am with him, once I have to leave to take Nate out, that's over.  On nice weather days, we play outside until the service is finished. 

Every Sunday morning, we do this.  After the hours that is takes to dress all seven of us and tromp to the car and parade into the church, leaving after 20 minutes (or less) seems like a lesson in futility.  I feel like Paul, "beating the air."  

I keep reminding myself that this is just a season.  Granted, a season that we've been in for 9 1/2 years now, but a season none the less.  Lord willing, we will one day get to listen to a sermon and enjoy a worship service.  But that time is not now.

So why do we continue to do this?  Because.  Because God is faithful and has asked us to be.  Because we are teaching our children what our family is all about, the importance of corporate worship, the need to be apart of the body.  Because one day we will be able to sit through more than 20 minutes.  Because one day they will listen and learn and understand and be sustained.  Because 20 minutes of nourishment from the word is better that none..... because one day in His courts is better than 1000 elsewhere.

Today, in one of the hymns we got to sing while before we left, we sang Isaiah 66:12, the words of the Lord to Jerusalem, "For this is what the LORD says: "I will extend peace to her like a river..."

In His words to His people, He is speaking to me.  Extending to me peace, nourishing even when I don't expect it.  He has been faithful to me, even in this season.  What else could I expect but that He will continue to be?  He has promised this to me and to my children.  At a time in my life when teaching and worship with the body seems rare, He still knows what I need. And what a joy to see Him provide.

  "He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young."  Isaiah 40:11

Sometimes.....

.... you just need a break.

I'm not really sure what triggered my blog break, but I think it was much needed. I love to write and "scrapbook" of sorts, but this is a busy season of our life. And is something has to fall by the wayside, better the blog than the kids, no? The housework has fallen by the wayside a bit too along with other things that I'm trying to put on track, but God has been good. I am learning and have learned and, by grace alone, will continue to learn as He models His love for me in this amazing thing called a "family".

We are more settled here than we were a month ago. We have people, and that's a good thing. We haven't made any heart friends, as you may call them, but we have people. People that we can call and people that care and give us a sense of belonging to the Body here.

This week, I got in the van, the swagger wagon, with the kids, cranked it up and it was bad. Noises and rattles and a really bad smell. After a trip to the shop we were told that the engine needed to be replaced... the engine... the whole flippin engine. Really? After the initial shock of that news, we came to the conclusion that it's God's money, not ours. If He wants to buy an engine, who are we to argue?

The next question to be answered was how I was going to get the kids back and forth to school without a car. With a family of 7, we won't fit in Ken's truck and most people don't have room to haul 3 extra kids for carpool.

How could we not have known or ever doubted that God would provide, bountifully as always. I sent an SOS email to a few other moms in the school. Within hours, people had divided up our kids and arranged rides for everyone for the rest of the week. On top of that, one mom from church referred us to a mechanic in our church whom we didn't yet know. She said he's a believer and he's an awesome mechanic. He came and got our car and fixed it. Without a new engine. And we got it back the same day.

All of these things were really minor in the big scheme of things. But they made a big impression on my heart. For the first time in a long time, we had people. God showed us His love and provision through His people. The church acted like the church and we were a Body and it was awesome... the way it's supposed to be. It was also a lesson in humility for someone (me) who likes to go at it alone most of the time. All I had to do was ask. How many blessings and provisions have I missed because I didn't ask? Because I didn't trust?

That's only one example of the things I feel that God has been teaching us lately. So thankful for His patience, as I am a very slow learner. And thankful that I can write these things down so that I don't forget. Or when I do forget, I can go back and remember.

I just remembered that I really do like blogging.

meeting me here

"Life is hard. God is good. Don't confuse the two."

That is a quote I'm borrowing directly from my friend Jen, who I think got it from her pastor. (Thanks, Jen.)

This week I'm finding these words profound in their simplicity. I'm seeing myself for who I am and realizing how very much my heart desires to confuse to two. It is my nature to desire life to be easy. Regardless of spiritual discipline, I am finding in myself that I really do want, with all my heart no less, for my life to be easy.

And when it's not? (Though compared to most of history, it pretty much always is.) So rather, in my mind, when it's not? What do I do?

I confuse the two.

Though I may not say it, I assume somewhere in my soul that God is hard. Why? Because life is supposed to be good. It must be true. I read it on a t-shirt.

But the fact is that life is hard. And even though my life is historically wonderful, I am a sinful person in an imperfect world. This side of Heaven, life will be hard. Be it actual or perceived, I will have trials.

Sometimes my children will hurt. Sometimes I will be sad. Sometimes my husband will be in bed with the flu, as he is right now. I will have questions and I will answer them wrongly and I will dig myself into holes and I will stumble. I will be as Paul and do the very things I wish I did not do. I will fail to enjoy these days with my children and wish fervently for the day when everyone is potty trained. And quiet. I will covet quietness in my home to the point of sinfulness. I will fail to see God's favor upon me, and I will revel in my repulsive pride. I will curse and swear and cry, then pray and ask for forgiveness I don't derserve. I will be fearful and lonely and hopeless because my blind eyes refuse to see the hope that is before me. I will judge wrongly, then become the very same as those I have accused. I will miss the moments of joy that I should have recognized, and I will never get those moments back. And these things, I will do every day. I will pray and plead and hopefully grow, but still I will fail. Why? Because life is hard.

But.

God is good. He is so good. And He looks upon me with favor that I could never deserve and He gives. He gives me good things. He carries me through the hard things He has allowed, and He comforts me. He is my Shepherd and I shall not want. He knows and He understands and He loves me too much to leave me here. So He is patient with me. He disciplines me, and He gives me gladness. Even in pain, He brings me joy. In uncertainty, He is my Rock. He delivers me in the big things and in the small. In my world that seems so small right now, He shows me what matters. He gives me moments to savor. Flashes of joy. Why? Because He is good. Life is not good. I am not good. He is good.

In a flash of joy this week, I realized that 3, nearly 4, of my children are too old now for sweet times in the bath tub. One, almost 2, of them showers now with little to no assistance from me. And the next one certainly no longer wishes to be photographed in the bathtub.

But this little guy.....he still thinks bathtime is the greatest thing ever.



And I can still take pictures of him in bubbles. Sweet little butt cheeks and all (though I'll keep those off the internet). He needs me to give him a bath and he soaks up the attention and he thinks nothing in the world is better than bubbles.

So as I bathe my sweet little ones, instead of grumbling about the number of baths that have to be given or how wet the floor is becoming, I enjoy the time. This time that is quickly passing and will soon be gone. I know this joy doesn't come from me because I am tired. And much of me longs for the days things will be easier.... whatever that means.

But God is good. He is meeting me in my weariness. Reminding me of His love and giving me notice of the little things. Slowing me down. Giving me joy.



Because He is good. So very good.

settling in

We've been here in Virginia Beach for about a month now.  People keep asking if we're settling in okay.  Of course, I always say yes.  I mean, what choice do we have, really?

But the longer answer is... yes, we are settling in.  But it's a process.  

It's not really that I expected it to be quick and easy.  It's just that about a month after each move I remember how hard it really can be.  The new starts to wear off.  The boxes get unpacked.  Then we have the start the unexpectedly hard part of a move.... just living here.

Church today was a good example of this.  Last week we visited this same church.  Loved it.  Great PCA church, great people.  Kids did okay... little ones didn't want to leave my side, but that's okay because it was our first Sunday, right?

We go back this week.  To make a long story short, I wound up parading in and out of the sanctuary several times (when I would have preferred to be a wallflower), getting summonsed to the nursery, dealing with various melt-downs and, at one point, I even had 3 screaming children hanging off of my body at once.

Let's just say it wasn't a worshipful experience.

We left church after the service and I was in a funk, to say the least.  I really, really dislike having to find a new church, meet new friends.  I don't like being the new people and I really, really don't like being the new people with hyperventilating children hanging from every appendage.   I mean really.  We cause a scene on our best days.  Throw in a few tantrums, and we're a regular sideshow.

But the more I've thought about this today, the more I've come to understand where I am in this settling in process.  I'm realizing that this is going to be a marathon, not a sprint.

Our 8 year old has lived in 9 different houses.  This is the 6th duty station for our 7 year old.  Our 16 month old is already "settling in" at address #3.  And so on and so forth.  Is it really any wonder that we're dealing with some separation anxiety issues?  Can you blame them for being a little clingy in a new place?  Honestly, all things considered, I think they're handling things pretty well.  

Right now, I'm holding on to the fact that we are not merely nomads, though it sometimes feels that way.  God has called our family to this.  That is one thing I am sure of.  In the middle of a time when nothing seems steadfast, I know that He is my rock.  He will never change.  He will never leave me.  He is the same Father to me, be I on the west coast or the east coast or somewhere in the middle.  If my kids are afraid, He is their shield.  When my husband is gone, He is my fortress.

So, today I would say that settling in to our new home here is hard.  I'm overwhelmed, tired, lonely, bogged down and feeling less than joyful.  How's that for a pity-party?

However, I know that I can rest on the Rock of my salvation.  The One into whom I can settle and know that He is never changing.  Trusting Him to protect my children through all of this, and to somehow use it all for His glory.

I want to walk in this truth everyday, but honestly, I'm not there yet.  I wish I was.  But I am praying for these things and trusting God for a friend here to remind me of these truths.  I'm also praying for my sweet kids to find peace and joy here in the midst of everything new.  God led us here, I'm sure of that.  I know that He hears our prayers and will continue to guide us, just as He has before.

So, so very thankful that His mercies are new every morning.

my cup

One of the mommy bloggers that I read was recently posting thoughts on trials in her life. She posed this thought, or rather her husband did:

What's in your cup is going to spill out when it's knocked out of your hands.

That thought has me thinking.

I've been blessed in so many ways. I can say that, up to now, my cup hasn't been truly knocked out of my hands. But it has been tipped a little bit here and there.

I wish I could say that it's only God's goodness and truth that spill out of my cup, but unfortunately that's not the case.

As my cup gets jostled around, I am often forced with the reality that I have been filling my own cup. I know this because it is then that I see that it is filled with selfishness, pride and my own weak attempts at good deeds.

I want to be filled with Jesus. I want my cup to be overflowing and my life to be evidence of that. I want my cup to be so full that others can taste and see that the Lord is good.

He is the Giver of all good things, the filler of my cup. This morning I again bring Him my emptiness, so I can experience His goodness. And I see again... He never fails me.

He fills my cup. And it runneth over.

where I've been and why

Not that anyone has been waiting on the edge of their seats.... but it's been a while since my last post. The main reason for this is logistics. It's just not as easy to blog now that we have put our computer away. Obviously not completely away, but away from the convenient place that it used to be.

Our kids love the computer. And, truth be known, so do I. But, simply put, we were just spending way too much time and mental energy regulating who was on the computer and when, whose turn is was and how much time was too much. We were also noticing that Jacob is significantly more "chatty" and engaged when he has no screen time. Our girls seemed to be able to function fine with some computer game time and a few videos here and there. But boys seem to be different. At least this boy. His mind doesn't seem to be able to focus when these things are in his world. So.... we removed them. Completely.

He no longer has any TV time and zero computer time. Sounds kind of cruel, doesn't it? Well, it's not. Our boy, who is and has been struggling so with language and engagement is suddenly a social butterfly. He's talking and laughing and playing and imagining and discovering new joys that he never even knew existed.

I don't think this is the only factor is this change we are seeing. We have also changed his diet and implemented a few more proactive things to help with his development. And even though I think he willl still need some speech therapy to catch up, I really think that this removal of screen time is the main thing that is making a difference.

I think (and it has been proven by people who are much smarter than I am) that "screen time", even in small amounts, really effects children's brains in adverse ways, and boys are especially susceptible to this. I recently read a widely accepted study that said that for every hour of daily screen time a kid has between the ages of 1 and 4, their risk for having ADHD by age 7 goes up 10%. (I would cite who did that study, but I don't remember... I read it while standing in the bookstore.)

A love for TV and computer time for our kids has never been a value that we truly desired to give to our children. In fact, we are, in theory, opposed to it. We've gone years in our marriage with no TV at all and hardly missed it. But as kids get older, life gets busier and my comfort is to gravitate towards what is easy. And that's what I've done. I've traded what is best for my kids for what is easier. So now... we pull the ox out of the ditch.

I'm certainly not proposing that our choices should be everyone's choices. I am, however, amazed at the difference I've seen in our family. It's a difference I knew would happen in some ways, yet was amazing in others. I'm seeing the value of the common-sense values of our parents and the fruit of passing those on to my children.

I like bandwagons. And sometimes I am prone to jump on them. But this, I hope, is more than that. It's a choice we're making for our family and I'm excited to see where it will lead. We'll still use computers for school and in a responsible way. And we'll still have the occasional family movie night. But without these distractions as a part of our daily lives, there are so many other valuable things I want to be doing with my kids. And now we have the chance to do them.

This week, we've hunted for snails and blown bubbles. Gone for walks, played in a field of dandelions, played dress up, gone to a baseball game, saw fireworks, and got haircuts. We went to the Children's Museum, played in the sandbox, walked on the beach, did a beach clean-up day and threw rocks. We did puzzles, went to the library, played with wiki-sticks and read a ton of books. We made birthday cards, practiced flashcards, played with friends and watched dump trucks. The list goes on. But those are a few examples of why I wish I had been bold enough to make this decision years ago.

A week without TV and computer games. And we're just so not missing it. Really.

And, by the way, you know that I took pictures of all of those things I listed up there. I just have to put my computer back together to download them all. :)

what I'm thinking about right now

"Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord; 

His going out is sure as the dawn; 

He will come to us as the showers, 

as the spring rains that water the earth."

 Hosea 6:3

I've pondering this passage for a couple of days now.  Pondering the concept of pressing on to know the Lord.  Some days it feels like that, doesn't it?  Yet, when we do... He comes to us like a spring rain.  Refreshing and life giving.

We have a busy week ahead of us.  Ken is working on his last presentation before graduation.  Can I get a woo-hoo?  Tomorrow we have our pre-move-out housing inspection.  We're making all the final plans to roll out of here in about 6 weeks.  

Nathan was scheduled for a hearing test this week to see if all these ear infections he's had will warrant tubes.  Yes, they're starting to use the T-word.  That would be a first for our kids, but I'm all for it if it will stop the infections and let him hear.

I take Jacob on Thursday to his first meeting with the speech pathologist.  The first test indicated that there is a need for further evaluation.  We already knew that, but it's nice to have it confirmed by a professional so we can start seeking the help he needs.  I am trying not to worry too much about his developmental delays.  I am starting to see some progress, I think.  Either way, this is the sweet boy that God gave us and I can trust that He knows the plans He has for him.

We're loving the sunshine we've had for the past week.  We filled the sandbox with sand and the water table with water.  Everyone is loving being outside, and Nathan is especially loving being mobile this spring.  We've been collecting snails from the beach and going on lots of walks.  I'm even trying to start running again.  Don't laugh.  It ain't purty.

It's bedtime now for the girls.  The boys are already sleeping.  So, I'm off to do tuck-ins.  Then I have to start cleaning for that inspection.... lest they see how we really live.  

news from the home front

We have a house!

After a long few weeks of house hunting, God gave us a house. And not just any house, but a really great house. So much better than any other house that we thought we wanted. Not in a fancy way, but in a bunch of little ways that meet our needs. So much more that we even dared to ask for.

Yesterday, we consciously stopped praying for the Lord to help us find a house and started praying for the Lord to just give us a house, the one He had for us.  He did.  All within about 2 hours.... a new house popped onto the rental market, we saw it, we filled out an application and we had a home. It was a gift and we are thankful.

Because it is so much more than we thought we even needed, we both feel very strongly that God has plans for us here that we don't even know yet. I don't think that this house is just for our comfort or to have room for more material possessions. I do think that it is a gift that is to be used to glorify God is whatever way He has planned. And we are praying for the faith to trust in that.

So I wanted to encourage all of you who have been praying that God would give us a home. He did. And we are thankful!

need not apply

Over the past few weeks we have been daily scanning the Internet in search of a home.  Our move is coming up shortly and, all things being equal, we'd like to have a place to live.   We're high maintenance that way.

We've tossed around the pros and cons of renting versus buying too many times to count.  I think at this point we would be open to either, depending on what comes available.  However, considering we will probably only be at our next duty station for a relatively short time, renting does sound like a pretty appealing option.

But this is where it gets tricky.  There are quite a few rentals in the area, but understandably, having a larger family with young children rules out alot of them.  

However, I had no idea just how many of them it would rule out. 

 I've noticed as I've been calling around, the question of children comes up fairly often.  Several times I've been asked by property managers or landlords about the number and/or ages of my children.  Last week as I was talking with someone about a property for rent, I was having a really hard time getting straight answers from him.  Several times he brought the conversation back around to my kids. (Just for fun, I was intentionally not volunteering that information.)  After he brought it up a few times, I said that I did have several young children and asked him if that was a problem.

He quickly back-peddled and assured me that it was not a problem at all and that he wasn't even allowed to ask that question.  Funny.  He did ask that question, didn't he?  Anyway, I didn't really get anywhere with the rental info, so I just marked it off the list.

I've considered that maybe I'm being just a bit over sensitive to this.  Maybe they are just asking out of curiosity or from a desire to truly be helpful.  Maybe.   Until today.

Ken called a listing we found online for a large, 4 bedroom house that looked as though it would fit our needs nicely.  He left a message and the owner eagerly called us back 10 minutes later.

He told us what a great house it was, what a great area, etc.  Then Ken asked, just to be sure, that it was a 4 bedroom.  He said that it was, and then asked (of course) how many children we had.  I heard Ken tell him that we had 5 young children.

Before the man had a chance to respond to that, Ken asked him if  he would consider a 3 year lease, which is usually very popular with military family rentals.

His response?  And I quote, "Not with 5 children, I won't."  Though I couldn't hear the other side of the conversation, the look of Ken's face let me know that he was not pleased with how this was going.  The man, realizing I think that he may have sounded a bit discriminatory, began explaining that he was sure that this house just wasn't a good fit for us.  Too small, he said.  Which it wasn't.  And suddenly, he remembered that it was technically only a 3 bedroom, not 4.  Really?

I know that such ignorance really shouldn't bother me or surprise me.  But sometimes it does.  I can respect that people want to keep their homes in good condition and sometimes children can be messy.  But seriously, they're not animals, they're kids.  And by the way, all of these homes do allow pets, just not many small children.

I think what bothers me most is the undertone that children are a burden rather than a blessing.   That they are something to be merely tolerated rather than embraced.  

Yes, they make life messier.  And I suppose if our goal is to have the perfect home and the perfect car and the perfectly tidy life, that may be a problem.  

Fortunately, that's not our goal.  God has used our children to save us from that idea of perfection and show us a picture instead of His goal for our lives.   Our children add more richness into my life in one hour than the most beautiful home in the world would in a lifetime.

So, if you think that my kids don't fit into your world of perfection and the American dream?  You can keep your white picket fences.  I'll take my kids.  Any day.

resting

This week we've been resting. It's been a good week. Ken has been home and has been wonderful, as usual. He had orginally planned a house hunting trip for this week, but decided to stay home. I think we all needed a week of recovery. On top of everything else over the past week, we've had 1 child get 2 teeth knocked out with a snow shovel, 1 child get 1 tooth almost knocked out and a fat lip, 1 night of a child with fever, 1 episode of puke in the car, 1 baby teething with a suspected ear infection and lots and lots of rain.

So, after all of that, this week... we rest.



I've napped more than I have in ages and slept in more that I probably ever will again. I'm so thankful to have such a loving and giving husband who is more than willing to take on the hard stuff at home and give me some much needed rest. I even just found out that he's lined up a sitter for tonight so we can go out and have some time alone. To say he is a gift to me is such an understatement.

I also so appreciate all of your kind words and prayers. God is answering those and allowing us to rest in Him in every way right now.

So that's what we're doing this week. Resting. Snuggling and playing and not much else. And I think it's exactly what we needed.

open to life

Where do I begin?

Normally I have an idea of what I'm going to write before I even begin typing.  Not so tonight.  I have so much to process and think through still, so rather than waiting for that to be done, I think I'll just write.

Last week we found out that we were expecting again. We had suspected as much for a few days, and soon there were 2 pink lines to confirm what we already knew.  We told our family and a few close friends, but mostly kept the news to ourselves for a little while.  I would have loved to have been able to announce the happy news here with an ultrasound picture or news of a strong heartbeat, but that wasn't to be.  Monday night we realized that we wouldn't be holding this baby this side of Heaven.

Somehow, I think I expected another miscarriage, so we weren't completely surprised, but still sad.  It's always too early to say goodbye to a baby and I'll never get used to that.  Things progressed on Monday and Tuesday to the point that we wound up in the ER last night.  After 3 bags of fluid and a few doses of potassium, I was feeling better and we headed home a few hours later.  We told the kids what had happened, and they took it as well as we knew they would.  They have such a better handle on eternal perspective  than I do.  They were a little bummed that we wouldn't get to hold this baby, but excited to have another brother or sister in Heaven.  

I am still feeling tired, but physically okay.  I am a peace with what God has called us to.  Although I would never choose this, I know that His ways are higher than mine.  He has called us to be the parents of 5 beautiful children here.  And He has also called us to give 2 back to him before we would have chosen.  

Early in our marriage, we felt convicted to be open to life in our family.  If God wants to be so gracious to us as to entrust us with another child, then we will joyfully and willing accept that gift.  What I have come to realize over time is that that choice is a willful act of submission on our parts.  It means that we will be open not only to the healthy, happy children that God blesses us with, but we must also trust Him when the way is hard.  

 This pregnancy ending when it did is as much a part of God's plan in our lives as the children who are sleeping upstairs are.  And we can rejoice in that.  God is faithful and He can be trusted.  Would I choose this?  No.  But my Father loves me and my children.  And He can be trusted. 

The verse on my daily calendar for Sunday, that is still on Sunday, reads:

"One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to inquire in His temple.  For in the time of trouble He shall hide me in His pavilion: in the secret of His tabernacle shall He hide me; He shall set me up upon a rock."    Psalm 27:4-5

I know this is true, and there is a comfort in that that is beyond understanding.

fear

Early last year, as I was about to give birth for the 5th time, I was gripped with a feeling that I hadn't really experienced with my other babies. I chalked it up to butterflies, perhaps a little anxiety over what I knew was coming.  Of course I knew it would be overwhelming, adding a new baby to our already busy household.  It would be normal to feel a bit of trepidation.  But what I realized was that I was dealing with a very real sense of fear.

I don't really care for that word.  It seems stronger than necessary.  After all, I wasn't paralyzed by it.  It was only a feeling, a bit like a knot in my stomach.  But fear it was.  

The reality was, as I was preparing for the days ahead, that I knew what was coming.  I knew what to expect.  I'd done this several times before, and unlike before, this time I had not forgotten.  Having a baby hurts.  Alot.  I knew, by this point, that I was carrying a 8 or 9 lb little guy and that no matter what happened, getting him out of there was going to hurt.

Beyond that, I knew that I was about the enter the stage of sleepless nights and mind numbing tiredness coupled with round the clock feedings and, of course, the pain of recovery.  I had done all of this before, but oftentimes ignorance is bliss.  I had done this enough to know that, blessing though it was, I was going to have to walk through the hard part as I experienced the joy.

Obviously, I survived.  God carried me through the fear and I did, and still do, get to experience the joy that a baby brings.   I'm sure if we are ever blessed with another little one, I will fight the same battle.  But God has proven himself faithful.  Over and over again.  I know that I know that He can be trusted.

Over the past few weeks, we have begun to prepare for our next move.  Ken will finish classes in about 4 months and we're off to our next duty station.  We're looking at houses, checking out churches and schools, making a plan.

And, somewhat unexpectedly, I find myself again wrestling with a feeling of fear.   I know, it doesn't sound rational.  I am married to a military man and moving is what we do.  We've done this lots and lots of times.  And therein lies the problem.  

As we prepare for yet another move, I know what to expect.  I've been through the pack out and the drive, the house hunting and the finding my way around.  The meeting new friends, answering the same questions, again finding a place to fit in.  Some parts of it are very exciting and some parts, not so much.

Granted, I am beyond blessed that we are not looking down the barrel of a deployment right now.  I know how good we have it.  But still.  I don't want to move again.  Start over again.  Pull the kids away from friends and step out of our comfort zones.  I don't want to try to find a new place to call home that isn't really home, find a new church, build trust with people I have yet to even meet.  Deal with the anxieties that my children feel, get everyone used to a new bedroom, find a new dentist and hair salon and dry cleaner and the list goes on.  I don't want my husband to go on trips while I'm left in what feels like the middle of nowhere to hold down the proverbial fort.

Fear, I tell you.  That's exactly what it is.

However, just as with having our sweet little boy, this, too, is inevitable.  As long as God wills it, this is what we will do.  I can choose to kick and scream and dig my heels in, giving into the pity party that I sometimes choose to throw for myself.  Or I can look to the God who has called us to this and trust that He has gone before us.

He has blessed us.  I know I say it so much, but I will never be able to adequately express the truth of that fact.  He has only called us to where He has provided, and every time, He has proven Himself so much bigger than any fear.  What He is calling us to right now isn't really even hard, much less suffering.  It is only uncomfortable and it goes very much against my selfish nature and desire for ease.  

So, I will not choose to give into fear.  I will choose to believe that we are only going where we have been sent by our Father.  He has already gone before us and His love casts out all fear.  I will try to choose joy and trust in His provision.  I will lean not on my own understanding and trust Him to direct my path. He has called me by name, I am His and I have nothing to fear.

I know by the very fact that I am human that fear will be an ever present battle in my life.  Sometimes in big ways and other times in small.  But for today, I will claim truth.  And rest in the knowledge of Him.  

Speaking of resting, it is now after 3am and tomorrow promises to be another long day.   I have written and processed and been reminded of truth.  And now I shall go to bed.

Good night.

simple

This Sunday I got to sit through a whole church service.  Unfortunately, this doesn't happen nearly as much as I would like.  Most weeks I am in the cry room or the nursery or in and out and back and forth.  But this week I got to sit and listen and worship, and it was wonderful.  

Our church is of a more contemporary style that I am accustomed to, and sometimes I really miss the hymns that so speak to my heart.  But this Sunday, as we sang the praise songs, God was gracious to show me Himself in the simplicity.  Some of the songs are the same simple words over and over.  But what I saw, maybe for the first time, was that though these words may have lacked in depth, they were profound truths about who God is.

Sometime I need to go back to the basics.  To tell myself and have told to me the simple truth about my Father.  The simple truth about a God who loves me, who gave Himself for me and will be forever faithful.  As I have been contemplating this simple truth, I have been hearing this song on the radio and God is using it to daily speak to me and remind me of Him.  I hope it speaks to your heart as well.  It is so simple.  And true.

(Turn off the music at the bottom of the blog first, of course.)

Thoughts on Roe v. Wade

This week was the anniversary of the landmark decision of Roe v. Wade that legalized abortion in our country.  It is unimaginable to me the number of innocent lives taken since then and the number that will be taken still.  While of course I am thinking of the babies that were never born, today I am also thinking of the other victims to these abortions.  The women and men who are now living with scars of a choice they made or a choice that was made for them.  Maybe this person is you.

I think in our zeal to defend the lives of the unborn, we as Christians have sometimes failed to  show compassion to those who are wounded and living lives full of regret.  I know more people than I might have once imagined who have suffered through the loss and heartache that come with abortion.  I have seen them wrestle with the decisions they have made and struggle to come to a place of healing.  They really are the walking wounded in many ways and are more in need of grace, forgiveness and love than many of us can imagine.  And though you may not know it, you know these people too.  It's not something they advertise and certainly not something they are proud of, but it is a part of who they are.  They do not need our judgement but our understanding.  Not hatred but healing.  

Obviously, most of us would never intentionally be judgmental or critical of another's choices, but yet we, through our actions and careless words, lead them to believe that we might view them with the same disdain with which we view abortion.  Although I do hate the act and the choice, I could never judge those who have been in such a hopeless place that they have felt this decision was the only one they could make.  Many of these are our brothers and sisters in Christ, our fellow church members, our neighbors, our friends, our husbands or wives.   And we are called to love them as such.  

So, as I remember all of these people this week, I pray for them, for their hearts.  For the families they may have now and for the families that they may wish they had.  I pray for an understanding of the fullness of God's mercies and grace that extends even to them.  Especially to them.  That if they are hurting, that they may hurt no longer, but walk anew today in God's forgiveness.   And if they are not hurting, I pray that their hearts will be softened to the grace that the Father is extending to them.

And may we also pray fervently for God to take the blinders off of His people.  That we may love and fight for the lives that He has created, be they unborn or elderly or anywhere in between.  God's heart is for His people and I pray that ours would be too.

He knows

Right now, we are very much in the thick of raising five young children.  There are some weeks where everything goes smoothly.  Smiles come easily and laughter abounds.  These are the weeks in which it is so easy to be grateful for all we have been given, for the blessings that have been heaped upon us.

And then there are those other weeks.  Those weeks, much like this one has been, when everything seems to be a battle.  When joy is something to be fought for and is seldom won.  The weeks when it is a little easier to have a pity party than to be thankful.  And that grateful attitude seems far out of reach.

Sometimes in the midst of those harder weeks, I sometimes question God's plan for me.  I know I shouldn't.  I know He is all wise, and I am not.  But sometimes I wonder if I am up to the task to which He has called me.  Five, Lord?  Really?  How is there possibly enough of me for all of them?  

I love my children oh so much.  But sometimes I question if I am able.  Can I really provide for these children?  All the love and hugs and attention?  All the discipline and teaching and correction?  And lets not forget all the nose blowing, bottom wiping and shoe tying.  Am I able Lord to provide this and so much more to all of these children?  And what about other children you choose to give us in the future?  Am I really able?

And then I realize.  The answer is a resounding "no".  I am not able.  I will never be.  And if I was, I would never be forced to rely of the strength of my Father to do all that I cannot.  

It is through each of these children that God has forced me into a more humble reliance on Him.  He is building my character at every turn and teaching me to follow Him.  What He has asked of me is obedience to Him.  To give my family to Him.  To acknowledge Him and His Lordship, and He will make my path straight.  

I know that He has a plan, not only for my good, but for the good of my children, that is far beyond anything I could ask or imagine for them.  He will be glorified.  He just asks me to follow Him.  He will do the rest.

Every one of my children offers something so sweet to our family.  God knew that we needed each of them to make our family exactly what is was supposed to be.   Hannah is the rule follower and responsible.  Gracie is the giver and the artsy one.  Claire is sweet and eager to please.  Jacob is a comedian and has a gentle heart.

And here is Nathan.  He's the 5th one we're raising right now.

He's standing up with no hands now.  And he can say Mommy and Daddy and uh-oh.  He loves to eat and to make a mess and to be chased by his sisters and brother.

This is what God gave me, at a time I thought my plate was full.  During a time I wanted to be able to rely on what the world said was doable, God was gracious and gave me more than I could have even asked for and a child I didn't know I needed.  One look at this sweet dimpled face and I am reminded of God's goodness.  He knows what I need before I even ask.

So, I am thankful even in the hard fought weeks.  For a Father who loves me, who loves my children and is more committed to His children and His glory than I will ever understand.

thought for today

I'm a big, fat sinner.... raising 5 little sinners.

What could possibly go wrong?

looking back

As we go into a new year and a whole new decade, I have to look back just a little and remember the highs and the lows.  It's been a good year and, really, the best decade of my life.   Admittedly, there have only been a little over 3 decades in my life.  But this one has been the best one so far.  And here's hoping it only gets better from here.  :)

For memories' sake, here's a timeline of the highlights of the past decade at our house.

2000:  He and me became we.  Ken and I got married in April of 2000,  and I haven't regretted a moment of it since.  I quit my job as a social worker and moved to Pensacola where Ken was a flight instructor.  Married life was great.  And it was just us 2.  In December of the same year, we found out we would be expecting our first baby.  We were now going to be a family of three 3. 

2001:  Spent the first part of the year preparing to be parents and picking out baby names.  Found out we would be moving to California shortly after baby.  In August, Hannah was born.  Rocked our world.  Loved her dearly.  Still do.

2002:  Moved to CA in February and entered a time of refining.  Stressful job, far from family, new baby.  But God was there.  Made us closer to Him and to each other.  In June, moved on base and made lifelong friends.  In August, found out we were expecting again.  We 3 would soon be a family of 4.

2003:  Moved into a different base house the day before my due date.  Ken's job eased up a bit.  Loved our neighborhood.  In May, Gracie was born.  Beautiful, tiny, hispanic-looking baby.  So sweet and quiet.  Still so sweet.  Transitioned to VT community and found out we would move to FL.

2004:  Getting ready for our next move.  Found out we were expecting baby #3.  Our 4 would soon be five.  Moved to FL with 2 babies and one on the way.  Endured Hurricane Ivan.  Hosted OCF Bible Studies at our house.  Made lots of base friends.

2005:  Early January, started the year by having another little girl.  Sweet Claire.  Slept in our closet for the first part of her life.  Found out Ken got OIC, prepared for another move.  And found out were were expecting again. (We really should expect this by now).  Our family of 5 would soon become 6.  In December, had an ultrasound.  Ended the year learning that we would soon add a son to our brood.

2006:  Moved again.  New job.  In May, welcomed Jacob.  Huge baby, rough start.  After a week in the NICU, he was as good as new.  Loved having a baby boy.  Still do.  Girls doted over their brother.  Still do.  Found out we would be moving to Indiana.

2007:  Moved to Indiana.  Ken was CO at a NOSC there. Loved being close to family.  First snows and bought a house together.  In October, found out were expecting again.  Our family of 6 was about to be 7.  Listened to his little heartbeat and made plans for this little one.  But God had different plans.  Just before Christmas, we found out he had been born into Heaven rather than into our arms.  We named him Jordan, because he crossed into the Promised Land before us.  Can't wait to hold him one day.  

2008:  Buried Jordan in January with Ken's grandparents in Illinois.  Continued our life in Indiana.  Knew that God wasn't done with our family yet.  In May, found out we were expecting again.  Our family of 6 here with us would soon become 7....now with one in Heaven.  Enjoyed my pregnancy to the fullest.  Couldn't wait.

2009:  Found out we would be moving to Rhode Island.  In February, welcomed sweet Nathan.  Loved him and counted him as a blessing in a whole new way.  Moved to Rhode Island in the summer.  Began our homeschooling adventure.  Loved having Daddy home more.  Looking forward to what the next year has in store.

6 babies and 8 addresses in the last 10 years.  It's been a busy decade.  God has had His hand on us every minute.  And I'm thankful for His faithfulness. 

Let the new year begin.  

Christmas 2009

Christmas this year.  Oh, where to I begin?  Let's start at the very beginning.  Julie Andrews says, "that's a very good place to start."  

Our celebration this year, as I've already mentioned, started with the beginning of Advent.  We decorated our Jesse Tree and remembered God's promises to His people and His plan to save the world through Christ.  So, after much waiting and anticipation, we got to light the last candle of Advent and hang the last ornament on our tree.

We started our Christmas Eve celebration at church.  The kids so enjoyed singing the Christmas carols.  At the end of the service, instead of traditional candles, everyone circled the sanctuary and held battery operated lights that looked kinda like candles.  It would have been okay except the kids were all waving theirs around like sparklers on the 4th of July.   Then it was a bit like singing Silent Night with strobe lights.  

After we got home from church, we had some great friends over for our Christmas Eve meal.  The kids had a fun time playing with their friends and everyone got to open one gift.  They could hardly contain their excitement.  We baked cookies before bed and the kids wrote letters to "Santa".

We've never played up the Santa part of Christmas.  We've always answered the kids questions truthfully.  They know who Saint Nicholas really was and where Christmas morning gifts come from.  However, on Christmas Eve, I guess they feel it's better to cover all your bases.  Just in case. 

Christmas morning started early, as usual.  Of course Ken and I were up until the wee hours on Christmas Eve, which seems to be a tradition of ours.  

The girls got rollerblades this year.  Since the snow has begun to melt, they've been skating all over the neighborhood.

It was fun watching little man enjoy his first Christmas.  I don't think he really understood what all the fuss was about, but he truly enjoyed eating the paper.

For Jay, the theme this year was trains and trucks.  And he didn't seem to mind at all.

All the grandparents sent sweet things for the kids as well.  We wish we could have been with them in person as they opened them.

I made the rookie move of giving the girls Polly Pockets as stocking stuffers.  Who, with a 10 month old, would do that?  I somehow convinced myself that we could keep them off the floor.  I was wrong.

While Jake enjoyed all things Thomas, the girls got to play Mommy to new baby dolls.  I love seeing their imaginations as they play mommies to their babies.

After a morning of playing, we had a family Christmas dinner.  As much as we miss being with family, it was still a sweet time together.

Christmas night we hosted a dessert and caroling with lots of friends and neighbors.  It was pure fun and complete craziness.  Base housing is lots of things, but spacious is not one of them.  We had 31 people in our tiny place and 20 of them were children.  But thanks to the piano and singing talents of my good friend Nicole, fun was had by all.  Things like that really make for fun Christmas memories.

Thanks to Ken being a student this year, he has the next week off and we're enjoying some fun family time.  And, of course, that means pictures to follow.  :) Hope your Christmas was great too.   Happy New Year!

Joyful expectation

It is Christmas Eve and we are waiting.

Waiting in joyful expectation.

Tonight we will go to our Christmas Eve church service.  Then we will come home and have our Shepherd's Meal together.  A meal of soup and bread, perhaps a bit like the shepherds may have shared all those years ago.  It is a simple and humble meal, as we anticipate the feast and celebration tomorrow.

Then we will read the Christmas story, imagining how it must have been on this night.  We will put the Christmas Eve ornament on our Jesse tree and light our Advent candles, just the 4, one more time before we light the white one tomorrow. We will make cookies before bedtime, and, as is tradition at our house, we will open one gift tonight.  Excitement is in the air.

We wait in joyful expectation.  For tomorrow.  For the day we celebrate the birth of the Christ child.  For the feast and the celebration.  And even more so, for the feast and celebration to come.  When Christ, the same one who came so humbly in a manger, will come again, only this time in all His glory.  As the King that He is and always has been.

We wish all of you a Merry Christmas.  That you will be consumed by the Love of the Father.  And marvel in the miracle that is Christmas.

Waiting.

No, I can't post new pictures yet.

I'm still waiting. And waiting.  Waiting for a one little part that I need to arrive in the mail.  The little part that I need to solve all of my downloading problems.  It was supposed to be here today, but the post office is kinda busy this time of year, you know.  So I'll just wait until tomorrow.

And then hopefully pictures will come.  But right now, I'm thinking about waiting.  It is a season of waiting.  Christmas is coming and my little ones can hardly wait.  It is Advent and we are waiting.

We've been explaining to the children the meaning of Advent and celebrating the time leading up to the birth of Christ.  We've been doing our Jesse tree and helping them see a God who keeps His promises.   God promised a Savior would come.

 "There shall come forth a shoot from the stump of Jesse, and a branch from his roots shall bear fruit.  And the Spirit of the Lord shall rest upon him, the Spirit of wisdom and understanding, the Spirit of counsel and might, The Spirit of knowledge and the fear of the Lord."  (Isaiah 11:1-2)

God called His people to wait for that Savior.   And God was faithful and He did come.  And He did save us.  And now, again, we wait.  We wait for Him to return.  We know He will.  Just as He kept His promise to us thousands of years ago, so He will again. 

I forget sometimes that we are called to wait.  I want to have Heaven now.  I want all to be made right and Jesus to come in all His glory.  But He has asked us to wait.  His faithfulness is being glorified in that waiting.

And just as the anticipation of Christmas morning fills the hearts of my children right now, I pray that the unspeakable joy of uniting with my Savior will fill my heart now.  That I will glorify Him as I wait.  I pray to be humbly used by Him while I wait.  I will be refined and tried and it will never be for naught because I will ultimately be perfected in Him.

So, waiting is what I'm thinking about right now. 

 Waiting for the Savior that came as a baby.  Waiting for Him to return.  Knowing that He is glorified through it all.  And so thankful for His promises.

You're ready for me to have my camera back, aren't you?  :)